iNews: Best Jokes Of The Fringe 2019
I remember what my grandmother said to me on her deathbed. She said: ‘I wish I’d bought a normal bed.’
John Luke Roberts, Assembly Studio Two, 5.30pm
I went for my driving test the other day and the instructor said, ‘you’re in the wrong gear’. I said, ‘Why? What’s wrong with this tuxedo?’
Nick Helm Pleasance Dome, 5.40pm; read i’s review of the show here
The best thing about being disabled is nobody ever wants you to babysit. In case you drop them. And recruit them.
Rosie Jones, Pleasance Courtyard, 7pm
Do you reckon the band Chic ever found any takers for that free cow they were always trying to get rid of?
Joz Norris, Heroes at the Hive, 4.40pm
What do I want played at my funeral? Rugby.
Goodbear, Pleasance Dome, 9.40pm
True crime documentaries are the only time the entertainment industry will take a chance on an unknown female lead.
Jena Friedman, Assembly George Square Studios, 9.20pm
My teacher told me to make a vacuum – I thought, no pressure then.
Leo Kearse Gilded Balloon, 9.15pm
In his job my dad’s never lost a case. That makes him Gatwick’s top baggage handler.
Glenn Moore, Pleasance Courtyard, 4pm
I find it hard to believe Melania Trump had a body double for public appearances. It would definitely be for the private stuff.
Laura Lexx, Gilded Balloon, 5.15pm
My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar.
Goose, Assembly George Square, 5.20pm
My mother doesn’t like the word vagina, so she calls it a ‘Lulu’ which was very confusing when I met my cousin Lulu, who coincidentally is a c***.
Janine Harouni, Pleasance Courtyard, 5.45pm; read i’s review of the show here
Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions? I’ll let you be the judge of that.
Ivo Graham, Pleasance Courtyard, 7pm; read i’s review of the show here
I didn’t have sex at university for religious reasons. God hates me.
Phil Wang Pleasance Courtyard, 8pm; read i’s review of the show here
My grandad died on April Fool’s Day. Every year for 10 years.
Rhys James, Pleasance Courtyard, 6.30pm
I’m pleased to be getting a beer belly, I’ve always wanted a father figure
Cam Spence, Pleasance Courtyard, 4:30pm
I love Lorraine Kelly. I’m a big fan of her earlier work – the stuff she does before quarter to nine.
Martha McBrier, Laughing Horse @ The Counting House, 7.15pm
Jeremy Hunt has said he would lower abortion limit to 12 weeks. That’s funny because I’d raise it to whatever age Jeremy Hunt is.
Tiffany Stevenson, Monkey Barrel, 9.15pm
A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course, that’s 20 cows’.
Jake Lambert, Pleasance Courtyard, 8.15pm
My new boyfriend told me he’s got my face as his wallpaper, which I thought was cute until I saw his lounge.
Steff Todd, Just the Tonic @ The Caves, 2pm
As a Russian, I admire Jeremy Corbyn – he’s tough. The KGB could interrogate him for a week and still not find out what his position on Brexit is.
Konstantin Kisin, Gilded Ballon, 7pm
I fully support the school strikers on climate change. I’m just annoyed that they didn’t call it the minors’ strike.
Matt Winning, Pleasance Courtyard, 4.25pm
When applying for a job as an estate agent, the interviewer worried that my CV was a bit small. I said ‘actually it’s really cosy’ and I was immediately hired.
Alex Kealy, Just the Tonic at the Caves, 6.40pm
Did you know the word ‘Ikea’ is actually made up of two Swedish words? “Ika”, meaning “Sunday”, and “Keya”, meaning “f***ing ruined.”
The Scummy Mummies, Assembly Rooms, 7.50pm
I won Jewish comedian of the year, my mum was judging, then again, she always does.
Joe Bor, Laughing Horse @ The Lockup, Cowgate, 3.45pm
Some people think being working class is a negative thing but I think there’s loads of benefits. I’ve claimed them all.
Kelly Convey, Pleasance Courtyard, 7.15pm
I got invited to a gender reveal party – when you invite all your friends over to find out the gender of your child and release pink balloons if it’s a girl or blue balloons if it’s going to earn more.
Robin Morgan, The Pear Tree, 4.05pm
They say some people ‘inhale books’. I know someone who injects books right into his veins. Particularly ones with female protagonists. He’s a heroine addict.
Izzy Mant, Underbelly Bristo Square, 2.50pm
I know that Banksy’s my dad, because I never see him.
Flo & Joan, Assembly George Square Gardens, 6pm
I tell my friends I’m here for them 24/7 because it sounds better than saying I’m only here for them on the 24th of July.
Andy Field, Just the Tonic, 2.10pm
It must be annoying for clocks that from their perspective their hands are moving anti-clockwise.
Adam Hess, Pleasance Courtyard, 7.15pm
With enough revs and determination any restaurant is a drive-thru.
Tom Taylor, Pleasance Courtyard, 6pm
My name is Sukh, which is short for Sukhjeet, which is Sanskrit for you’re never going to find it on a fucking keyring in a gift shop.
Sukh Ojla, Gilded Balloon, 5:15pm
I haven’t looked up the definition of hyperbole in, like, forever.
Caitlin Cook, Just the Tonic at the Grassmarket Centre, 5.50pm
British people are like coconuts. Hard on the outside but sweet once you crack us. Also often found full of alcohol and holding an umbrella.
Milo McCabe, Underbelly, 5.30pm
I’m making a TV series about the different parts of my gas cooker – I’ve already filmed the pilot.
Olaf Falafel, Laughing Horse @ The Pear Tree, 2.50pm
I’m pretty sure Jesus is Gay because every time I go to God’s house he’s got pictures of him on the wall with 12 hot guys having brunch.
James Barr, Underbelly, 5.20pm
I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on forever and there’s a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the internet.
Catherine Bohart, Pleasance Courtyard, 6pm
I look the wrong way when crossing the road, so people think I just got back from Paris.
Joe Sutherland, Banshee Labyrinth, 10:10pm
My dad is like a black James Bond: it’d be great to see him, but he’s unlikely to make an appearance.
Alexander Fox, Pleasance Courtyard, 6pm
In Poirot you meet six really posh people, and you know one of them is going to be murdered. In real life, you rarely get such good odds.
Alasdair Beckett-King, Pleasance Dome, 6.50pm
In my show we won’t be using things like a Ouija Board. Or if you don’t speak French – a Yesja board.
SÉAYONCÉ, Assembly George Square, 10.20pm
My girlfriend and I are saving up for a mortgage, but it isn’t going very well – because sadly, all of our grandparents are still alive.
Matt Richardson, Just the Tonic at The Tron, 9pm
Devon, the county of the UK where you put the cream on the scone before voting Leave.
Ivo Graham, Pleasance Courtyard, 7pm
I was living in my office for a while, until it failed its MOT.
Jim Campbell, Just the Tonic at the Caves, 5.20pm
Scotland heckled Boris Johnson so badly he had to leave by the back door, like one of his mistresses.
Grace Campbell, Gilded Balloon, 3.15pm; read i’s review here
I like to watch Love Your Garden when I have my tea and then True Crime before bed. I feel really confident about being able to bury a body and know what to plant on top of it.
Lucy Beaumont, Pleasance Courtyard, 4.45pm
Me and my partner were going to go on holiday to Norway this year but we costed it up and in the end we couldn’t af-fjord it.
Tom Parry, Pleasance Courtyard, 6pm
The Arab Spring was 8 years ago. I thought “How long can a crisis conceivably last?”, and then I looked at my own personal life and was like “Yeah, that makes sense.”
Ahir Shah, Monkey Barrel, 1.45pm
Behind every successful man is me, trying to get his attention.
Lou Sanders, Monkey Barrel, 3.15pm; read i’s review of the show here
I find it quite ironic that erectile dysfunction is on the rise.
Rob Auton, Assembly George Square, 2.50pm